I Shot you Down
by Samandjackforever
Summary: Rodney admits something to john, but john’s not ready. But will he be ready when he's about to lose him? McShep angst It's much better then it sounds Please R & R!
1. i want to love you

Summary- Rodney admits something to john, but john's not ready

Summary- Rodney admits something to john, but john's not ready. (McShep angst)

Disclaimer- I own nothing.

I shot you down

Chapter 1- I want to love you

John's POV-

I didn't have a clue. Not one as to what to do now.

I sit on my bed and glance at the door he oh so briskly dashed out of. I then glance at my hand, how could I have done that? He laid his heart out to me and what do I do?

I crush it under my foot.

God, how could I have been so god damn clueless?

_Earlier-_

Tonight was a good night. I finally got some time to myself, a chance to relax. I sit down on my bed with a contented sigh as I take out my comic book.

In the middle of my third page I hear the door bell.

"Come in." I call as I put the comic down and look up. The familiar sound of the door whooshing open fills the room.

Rodney causally walks into my room with his hands in his pockets.

I smile as I stand, "Hey McKay, what brings you here?" I ask as Rodney looks up at me. His face tight with nervousness, "Is something wrong…?" I ask as rodney shakes his head.

"no, no nothings wrong…actually everything is great." Rodney says as he walks closer to me.

He stops right in front of me and I feel his hands on my shoulders. I feel him take in a shaky breath before he leans in and he….

…kisses me.

My mind froze as my eyes went wide. I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what to do.

'McKay loves me? Why…? Wait no…he can't' I think as my hand goes up and then…

…slap.

I feel my hand hit against his cheek with a dull smack.

I watched him pull back and his hand go to the now red spot on his cheek. His eyes are wide and filled with the pain of denial.

I open my mouth but I couldn't get the words to come out. My mind screams at me to say sorry but all I can do is watch.

"I…I'm sorry…I shouldn't have….I'll leave…" Rodney sentence trails off painfully as I see the heart break in his eyes. He dashes out the door as I watch him go.

I feel my heart fall to pieces, 'it's not my fault…I can't love you.' I think to myself as I stare after him, 'I'm so sorry Rodney, I really want to love you…I just can't' I think as I move over to my bed, not having a clue as to what to do now.

TBC-

Next up- Rodneys POV of the after effects. Review if you like.


	2. denied

I shot you down

I shot you down

Chapter 2- Denied

Rodney's POV-

I walk out of johns room with a broken heart. I should have known…john's straight. Why did I get my hopes up like that?

God I'm such an idiot! To just lean in and kiss him like that…so stupid.

I just didn't expect him to slap me…maybe push me away but never slap me.

I put a hand to my cheek, it still hurts a little bit. How hard did he hit me anyway…?

I thought tonight would be the night. I'd finally stop hiding what I feel. I'm ready and I love him. Apparently he doesn't love me back…I mean…who would?

I've never really been a people person but I thought he was different. I thought he saw the real me I tried to show to him…not this arrogant and petty Façade I put up.

I really thought he saw…

God for a genius I'm pretty damn stupid.

All my life I wanted to love someone and for someone to love me too. I just don't let people know. I can't…that's a weakness.

They find one weakness and they'll stop listening to you.

That's what I was always told.

How am I gonna face him tomorrow on the mission? I don't think I can. I'll get lost in his eyes as he leads us on, pretending I don't exist.

I'll become entranced by his features as he ignores me, only addressing me when he needs something important.

I'm really going to miss hanging out with him after missions. Just watching movies with him and being able to hear him laugh.

That carefree laugh.

The one I'll never hear again.

My chest tightens painfully and I swallow a lump in my throat. Tears fall down my cheeks as I finally make it to the safety of my room. I don't cry for many things but I'll cry for him and my broken heart….

….I shouldn't have kissed him.

TBC-

Next up- How the mission goes Review if you like


	3. Broken

I shot you down

I shot you down

Chapter 3- Broken

The SGA-1 team gathered in the gate room, geared up and ready to go.

John kept his eyes to the floor as the gate dialed up. He couldn't bring himself to look up at the chance of catching rodney's gaze.

Rodney focused on the gate as he stood next to teyla. He glanced over at john once as the gate kawooshed open. John still didn't look at him and with a sigh Rodney walked through the gate with the team.

The planet was a jungle…literally a jungle. Trees as far as the eye could see.

"Ok, there should be a village of hopefully friendly natives in a clearing a days walk from here. McKay, you and Ronon explore the woodsy areas while me and teyla head to the village." John said as everyone nodded.

Ronon headed in front of Rodney as they parted. Rodney stood for a moment and watched john leave, his chest tightening slightly. Rodney was so stuck on watching john leave he didn't even hear Ronon calling him.

"McKay. McKay. McKay-!" Ronon practically shouted as he walked over to him and tapped his shoulder.

He turned to Ronon quickly, a somewhat lost look in his eyes, "Sorry…going." He said as he walked with Ronon deeper into the trees.

TBC-

Review if you like


	4. What's it's Worth?

I shot you down

I shot you down

Chapter 4- What's its worth?

John and teyla continued on their walk as the sun shone high. They didn't talk much as they walked but suddenly teyla spoke up,

"Did something happen between you and Dr. McKay?"

John looked up at her as he stopped walking. Teyla stopped as well and shared a small glance with john before he looked down.

"What makes you think that?" he asked as she sighed lightly. He looked back up at her waiting for an answer.

"I can't help but notice that you and Dr. McKay have been avoiding each other since this morning. You two wouldn't even look at each other." She said as she leaned against a tree lightly.

"Yeah well…something really awkward happened the other night." He explained as teyla tilted her head to the side slightly in a 'tell me more' gesture.

John took a breath, "he kissed me." He said quietly as he avoided teylas eyes.

"How is that awkward? It was a show of affection. Do you feel the same about Dr. McKay?" she asked as john shoved his hands in his pockets.

"That's not all of it. He kissed me and I…I slapped him, hard." He finished as teyla stood up off of the tree.

"oh. Well, why did you slap him?" She asked as she touched johns shoulder lightly. He looked up at her with a sad and sorry expression.

"I don't know. I froze up when he kissed me. I liked it but my mind told me no. My heart went into over time and that's when the defense went up. I didn't mean to hit him. I really didn't and now I have no clue how to say sorry or even talk to him." He said as the words poured out of his mouth.

"So you love him back?" She finally asked after a moment.

"I can't. I want to, but I just can't. It's the protocol of the military. Don't ask, Don't tell. If I were to be with Rodney, I would want it to be open. I'm not ready to quit the air force and on top of that, who knows if it will last." John sighed as teyla squeezed his shoulder lightly before moving her hand.

"If it's meant to be, then it will be." She said as she continued walking in front of him.

John nodded as he ran his hand through his hair, "Yeah, I guess." He said as he followed teyla.

TBC-

Review if you like 


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